By Alanna Davis, Paralegal
As our community becomes more aware of how people are impacted by domestic and family violence, together with the prevalence within our community, it is becoming increasingly important for everyone to understand how they can properly support and respond to someone who makes a disclosure of experiencing domestic or family violence (DFV).
We’ve put together what we think are the important things you need to know, and at the bottom of this news piece, we’ve included links to some other great resources.
Believe and listen
The biggest fear people impacted by DFV have is not being believed, or being blamed for the behaviour.
It is very common for people who use DFV to be charismatic, charming and kind in the outside world, but to be violent and controlling at home. This is why people who are subjected to DFV often fear nobody will believe them.
When someone discloses they are experiencing violence at home, use phrases like “I believe you” or “I’m so sorry this is happening to you”. This reinforces you believe their story.
Reassure them it’s not their fault
Often people who are subjected to DFV feel they are to blame. If they express to you the violence they are experiencing is their fault, it’s important you tell them it is not.
People who use violence make the choice to use violence. Nobody else.
Be prepared with information
Upskill yourself now, so in the event you find yourself supporting someone, you know what to say and where to refer them.
There are a range of support services available. These services include 24/7 crisis intervention, access to emergency accommodation and court advocacy. Many of these services are accessible by phone and email.
We have included a list of support services at the end of this article.
Of course, FoJo is also able to assist. We can provide legal advice and warm referrals to other support services.
Encourage, but don’t force someone to report
Not everyone wants to report their experiences, especially straight away. That’s okay. It’s important the person who is subjected to violence has full agency over what happens and when.
A big myth is people can only access support services if they report to Police. This is not true. Plenty of people who are impacted by DFV access support services without reporting to Police.
If someone has experienced a significant physical assault, in the ACT, they can access a special service that correctly documents their injuries and stores this information in the event they wish to report the matter to Police at some point into the future. To find out more about this service, please contact DVCS ACT.
Respect their wishes about the relationship
Not everyone wants to leave a violent relationship. Many people just want the violence to stop, and that’s okay too. They may feel deep love and affection for the person using violence, there might be children involved, or a significant financial or cultural barrier. Whatever their reason, it’s important you respect their decision.
On average it takes multiple attempts for someone impacted by DFV to leave a violent relationship. The best thing you can do is support them each time they make the decision, and continue to be there if they choose to return to the relationship. The day they finally leave will come, but they need to make this decision on their own.
Each person impacted by violence has a unique experience and they know their situation better than anyone else. Work with them and what they want to do.
Remember to check-in
It is common for people to feel angry or upset if a loved one makes the decision not to leave a violent relationship. It’s important you maintain your relationship because one day, they will decide to leave and they’ll need your support. Be their rock.
Sometimes it might be appropriate to make up a code word or phrase you and your friend can use as a way to check-in on their wellbeing and safety. You might want to ask them something like “Have you spoken to Trisha lately? Do you know how she is going?” and your friend could reply “Yeah, spoke to her a few weeks ago and she is doing fine”. That message is telling you, your friend is currently okay.
Don’t leave your friend or family member. They need you. Most importantly, know the services available to people who are subjected to violence. We have listed a few local and National organisations below for your information:
